Larry’s Queries – Episode 1 Part 5 of 5: comparing original and rewritten query.

Hi there,

This is the last post in Episode 1 of Larry’s queries. I thought it would be useful to look at the original query (the before picture) and then right after that take a look at the improved query (the after picture). I’ll also include a few comments about what’s good or bad in both.

So here goes….

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Show don’t Tell – Post 4 of 4

showdontellHi there again. This is the final post in a four part series. If you’re looking for any of the other posts, they can be found below.

Post 1: What is “Show don’t Tell”
Post 2: How do we know if we are using “Show don’t Tell”
Post 3: When is it ok to “Tell” instead of “Show”
Post 4: Showing inner thoughts and other “Show don’t Tell” myths.
Extra : More articles on “Show don’t Tell”

In this post we’re going to look at our character’s inner thoughts. We’ll also talk about some other “show don’t tell” myths.

But let’s start with inner thoughts. A fair argument could be made that inner thoughts are a form of “telling.” After all, we are telling the reader what the character is thinking. However, if inner thoughts are done correctly they can be a powerful form of showing.

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Larry’s Queries – Episode 1 Part 4

In this episode we’ll talk about removing unnecessary details from the query, while at the same time keeping the specific pieces that make our query unique.

Larry: [strolls into my office with camera in hand.] Hi, JD. Ready to work on my query? [He snaps a photo of me.]

(in case you missed Round 1, click here.) Worked on the beginning
(in case you missed Round 2, click here.) Worked on the ending
(in case you missed Round 3, click here.) Worked on clarifying stakes

Me: Hi Larry. Please tell me the camera isn’t another one of your attempts to settle a bet with that Dr. Beraux guy down at the college?

Larry: Huh? Oh, you mean old Pete. No, it’s nothing like that. Although we have been having this argument about people intentionally taking pills that make themselves less intelligent.

Me: You’re talking about stupid pills? You think people take stupid pills. Why in the world would someone do something like that?

Larry: [smiles at me] I was hoping you would tell me.

Me: [I got nothing.]

Larry: See that look on your face right there….that’s exactly what I mean. [winks at me] Maybe you should cut back to half a pill in the mornings.

Me: [In case you didn’t know, Larry is a bit of an ego-maniac. Having a 163 IQ and no sense of empathy will do that to you.] Let’s just get this over with. Where were we with your query?

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